Cut the Shit

A Weekend to Pull My Shit Together

Thank God it’s fucking Friday. After the week I’ve had, I could surely use a few days to relax and get my head in order. It hasn’t exactly been my most favorite week of the summer, as I’m sure you can imagine.

Things in my personal life are improving. I haven’t had the opportunity to sit and talk with the person I’ve hurt and I can only hope that when I see them next week that we can have an open and honest conversation about everything that’s happened. Having this conversation hang over my head is only making things more stressed than they need to be. Everything else in my life is going pretty well, which makes this whole issue just that much harder to deal with. I’ve never been someone to put off conversations like this. I just want to deal with it and try to move past it or realize that there is no moving past it and act accordingly. This limbo shit is enough to drive a person mad.

Since I’ve been kind of on edge this week, so many little things are pissing me off. For example, you know those pop ads that say things like “Do you like President Bush? Click yes or no and get a FREE* laptop!” For some reason, those pop up ads are really getting under my skin. I know its inconsequential, but come on. You KNOW you’re not going to get a free lap top, so why do you have to take the time out of what you’re doing to close the box? I almost screamed in frustration when it happened to me this morning. And that’s how I know that I’m living on the edge of a mental blow-out.

The few highlights of my week have been Big Brother: All Stars and Project Runway; mindless television that focuses my attention on something else. I realize that my life could be worse. I could be one of the idiots on these reality shows. Instead I’m just the idiot in my real life. Heh. Feh. Fuck.

I saw an episode of Sex in the City last night that struck a deep chord within me. In the episode, Carrie has cheated on Aidan (for the first time – oy) with Mr. Big. As she goes through her day, picking flowers, walking around the city, enjoying life, she keeps getting the mental picture of what she’s done to hurt Aidan and she literally cringes. That’s exactly how I felt this week. Whenever I was doing something fun or was in a good mood, I would get the mental flash of what I’ve done and I would stand there and literally cringe as well.

It’s crazy…I can’t seem to put this whole scenario out of my mind. I haven’t given myself the full 50 lashes yet, so I guess I believe that I deserve some more pain before I can move on and forgive myself. It’s not like I haven’t fucked up in my friendships before. It’s just that this time there is no reason or excuse as to why I did it. And the worst part is that I know if I wasn’t caught, I probably never would have owned up to my actions.

The only person I’ve talked to about this with has been my mom. She was as amazing as she has always been. My mom thinks that this mistake is not the end all/be all, and I know she’s probably right. However, she’s not the one that needs to forgive me. It felt good to open up to her and to have her remind me that I’ve been a good friend to this person for a very long time. “Your history will not be wiped away over one mistake. In fact it might be stronger because of it.” And maybe she’s right.

The one highlight of my weekend is that I’m going to spend five hours tomorrow watching the rest of Nip/Tuck. It’s got to be one of my favorite shows EVER to be on television. The storylines move so fast and I always find myself gasping and sobbing at least once during each episode. I can’t believe this show hasn’t won a shit load of performance Emmys. I mean, (of course) they SHOULD be nominated for the make-up and art direction, but there are performances on this show that leave me speechless. Joely Richardson, Dylan Walsh, and Julian McMahon are the show’s focus, but in particular, I’m in absolute love with Kelly Carlson who plays Kimber Henry (could she BE any more beautiful?) and also John Hensley who plays Matt McNamara. Their roles are clearly a lot of fun to play, but they find the absolute depth and soul to each line they deliver. I’m in awe of talent like theirs and jealous that they’ve been cast so perfectly as such multi-layered characters. I’m not one to get all FANatical over celebrities, but people like Kelly and John make me ache to be on screen. I want to work with each of them at some point, and dare I say, be their friends. Fine, and their lovers. Heh. I would do anything to be on this show. Even if it meant getting my dick chopped off and turned inside out. As a PLOT LINE you goofs!

Just looking forward to escaping for a few hours tomorrow. I’m going to turn my phone off, turn the TV on and forget all about the shit storm I brought upon myself.

I’m really hoping that Monday will bring about a brighter outlook.